A helpless situation

It was one of the trips planned for a different reason. Then reaching home I had altogether one of the experiences of my life. It was easily one of the most helpless situations encountered in my life. My sweet sister had a bit of neurological problem which was further aggravated by the medication given. The unfortunate nature of the event was the patient had no clue what was happening and the rest had to keep patient when it was toughest to do so. It was sad seeing the parents sad, helpless and doing everything they can without much result. These things take time, patience and are heartbreaking and that's one of the lessons that I got from this experience. The parents were awake for most of the 24 hours of the day for nearly 15 days I was with the family. To see them so concerned so disheartened and to bear all this is so painful to see all the more at their age. Sometimes you feel you can take it all on you but I guess it's easier to bear pain than to see it rest with your closer ones. That is God's way of making his importance felt. God gives us pain and they our parents are ready to lessen it for us. I think if not for his powers God would have felt insecure about the position he enjoys in this world. I have been emotional without much reason in my life and can overdo it sometimes but I guess this time I had all hidden but must say felt it most. The 15-hour journey to Delhi in the cab from Bhopal was one that I would never want to witness again in my life. We had to get there. There was no choice. The difficulty in these situations is losing cool, getting frustrated and making quick bad decisions become so easy and natural. They were all there. I could feel it. Strange behaviors and disagreement were all part of the game none of us wanted to play. The situation got better once we got to Delhi as there were responsible and expert doctors waiting there along with the impressive facilities. There are times when you hate having your roots at a place like Bhopal, ill-equipped to handle such casualties. All the more frustrating is the cause of the problem which I feel lies in the city itself. The stillness and slowness attracts futile activities in your life and you feel satisfied with it. The satisfaction is an illusion and always carries the risk which can materialize to such situations. Life is not what it seems. The unimportant and unnecessary things go into the heads and make a life you probably don't deserve and want. Always had feared all this but never knew was so near me and would get so bad. Definitely a resurrection is needed. It has a lesson or two for the family. Maybe we get over this soon. I can only pray as God has made atleast all of us look stupid and helpless in this case and he only has the moral responsibility to get us out of here. May be you don't deserve to see somethings in your life probably they are the last things you want to happen but anyways I'll take these as bad experiences that have come to teach me and make me humble to make me realize how helpless one can be.

Not anymore

Follow your heart they say...they only say when it comes off well. What you want or what you get was one of the debate topics I remember. There should be no debate .... it's what you want out of what you are given and mind you not everything is offered here. They may say so but they want you to give to their wants. If you are not able to understand I think you are not the one who wants to understand. I have seen things change over the years and believe me that's the only positive that I have with me right now. I have experienced a few things that I would have found difficult to explain to people that this can happen with me. And probably that is the kind of thought that gives me hope. If quite a few things that I found inexplicable in the past can happen so why can't the future be like the past. It required a lot of patience. It makes me realize what downturns teach you. You never somehow learn that much when you have those upside movements. I have invested quite a lot and didn't know that sometimes it just happens. Your wealth erodes in front of your eyes and the optimism that remains is things can' t be worse than this. Probably your smartness and hardwork are no means of gaging the ROI's you'll earn. Similarly it's not only about the investments in life you make sometimes it's the situation, circumstances and time you are investing in that matters and can make all the difference. The difficult part is to carry on after facing setbacks. The difficult part is get the confidence going. The difficult part is to have patience and play the waiting game till the tide seems to like you.
Sometimes I just wonder whether the whole effort and time invested is worth it. Or we should leave the things as they are. Sometimes you tend to think that it's working against you rather than for you . Believe me it's not as simple a game as it seems in the beginning. What fascinates me it's more about mastering yourself than anything else. Aptitude hardwork sincerity dedication are ok but what makes it tougher is how you keep calm in critical situations...how to keep telling yourself that it all will pass...change is imminent...good to bad and more importantly bad to good is a nature's process that will happen. Think practically not emotionally is what I keep telling myself....keep working is what I keep telling myself. The thoughts are scattered and the thoughts are confused but don't blame it on me. A successful story has the same beginnings :P

One life

It's the calmness..it's the stillness...it's plenty of nothingness that's teasing me..making me restless..it seems never had so many choices...never was in such a position in which I would always like to be...but not so sure whether I m as happy as I thought would be...don't know why...or probably I know why...it's because I have the responsibility to take what I want to...I can go for my choice..everything seems so possible so palpable...it's strange...sometimes we wish we had no choices...sometimes you just feel uncomfortable to be on your own...you need somebody for you to guide you..to escort you..to take you through. Just wish that you can close your eyes and see everything through. The compulsion can be a blessing. Don't know......
Probably the decision is all the more difficult because of time..which has its own set of rules...which does denies to give you a second chance...its because its one life to live...you can choose your game...decide the rules..its all yours but still it won't change...it isn't reversible...n thts the toughest part of it...you can think once...you can have your say... but tht wud be final..oh baby..it's nice...but its making me nervous...which game do I love the most...which rules would make the game interesting...do I want to play all my life...do I want to be on the winning side...how do I decide the winner at the first place...never thought it was so complicated...I mean playing is a lot simpler...or is it? I guess it's all bcoz its one life...n somehow the heart just fails to comply with reasons...it says it wants more..n wats more..we live according to reasons but our hearts is the ultimate judge...it's the master...it's the thing ultimately that decides the supremacy of your reasons...So baby...one life makes it too tough for my reasons, my decisions, my actions and myself to convince my baby heart...

A new chapter

I m back again...after a long break finally. Nobody was waiting but myself. Actually not even me. The last time this page was inked it was sad. It has recovered from there and things have moved on. Some due to my efforts and some due to circumstances. The fact of the matter is nothing is as important as it seems to be sometimes. Time has its healing power. Anyways a lot more things have to be said. Stepped into a new role ..have moved on from a college boy to a working professional. It feels nice. It feels good to spend your own money. The markets have now opened for me....the stock markets I mean. I have been dying to be a part of them and now I am. The first lesson of the new chapter is the learning never ends... it has to go on. There will be no formal demands from here on...there would be no testing to as how much you have learnt but it seems all the more important now. The practicalities demand it. Now it's not only about a few subjects it's about life as a whole. The observations made during the last few days compel me to think about the importance of things which never seemed so important. The knowledge, the awareness, the different lifestyles, the spontaneity and adaptation, effective and terse communication and in general the importance of a person's demeanour, background and infact the person itself is so realizable now. The importance of money, how it affects a person's behaviour and why is the most coveted thing of our society are all questions that are beginning to tinker my mind. The importance of capability to handle multiple thoughts and get down to the best possible one to act upon and the adjustments one needs to conquer the hearts of people of all ages, economic and regionally contrasting souls is so exacting and makes me wonder so as to how far I have to go to overcome these challenges. But yes the demands of this new chapter, the experiences it brings along with itself is bringing new excitement and making the time wonderful. The newness is good, its refreshing and that's what I've been looking for quite a while now. But yes I am a bit apprehensive about how long can all this be carried along. Sometimes you do want to return to those normalcies which make you feel at home and you need a bit of comforts along with these new challenges. Luckily I have a few people to make me feel a bit more comfortable out here. And surprisingly for me that is also adding new dimensions to my learning. To be able to enjoy as you are and how ignorance can be bliss is nice. Sometimes I feel there are too many experiences that I have had in this 2-3 months and even my thoughts have felt a bit stretched to analyse them all and time for the first time is running faster than I can think. But then I am enjoying this change and would love to move faster and higher in the future. I'll ensure that time does permit me to pen all these thoughts atleast so as to keep myself busy when time comes to look back and analyse all these times.

It's not always nice to be urself

It's final..this battle I've lost. It hurts. It really does. Of all the reasonable things I've wanted in my life this one I'll miss for a long time to come for I've never tried so hard in my life. There will be a few things said about this and I'll listen. I've nobody to blame but myself. For eventhough I thought there wasn't any lack of effort from my side and at times was myself surprised to see the intensity,I know it's the performance and the end result that matters. Probably there were too many things on my mind. There were things that didn't go my way which probably should have. These four years had never been easy and the last 8-9 months have been easily the most toughest part of my life till now. It's been quite sad and lonely to say the least. It shouldn't have happened and now that it has I'll admit I am quite clueless where to go from here. There are no reasons I find and obviously am not in a position to think about the solutions.
But yes if people who are very close to me somehow end up reading this there is a confession as well as a request I would like to make. I m really sorry for not being able to do justice to your expectations and trust me there's nobody else other than me who is more moved by this failure. So if possible don't remind me about this loss because it really mattered to me for reasons that are very personal.

Observations on Selections

Looking back is not always the best option... probably when you have had some tough experiences...but I'll like to keep these memories encrypted, as I'll not like to lose them.

The blog contains my take on the recruitment process and the conclusion.

-Seems to me the world's got bolwed over by its own attractions and not many want to be left behind to get this veil for themselves which shields their realistic faces. Don't know if it's the best alternative but one things for sure one needs to develop a few skills to be in these positions. It's actually interesting to be able to stay natural and feel the difference in normality which has become a rarity in itself. Don't know again if it's appreciated or valued.
-Demarcations that dosen't seem to exist between personalities but are clearly reflected in opinions of the selectors can make a hell lot difference in the end result.The minor differences which "substantially" matter according to the folks enriched with "elite..err" skillset seemed so important,became a depressing if not haunting obsession for the rest . The skillset wasn't known to past, future's quite confused about its effects, but the present has quitely acceded to its dictatorship.
-Methodological procedures leading to efficient and accurate results is what the promises are from the ever improving systematic processes but would take some arguements to convince majorities about its validity and performance.
Anyways.. the world's changing and keeps you on your toes. That's how it should be. There are no complaints but yes there are questions which come in some futile and stupid minds which seek answers.There are no regrets, there' s everything to play for and the fun lies in facing it upfront.Introspections can wait but competency cannot.
Summing it all up whether it's likeable or not there are things which are heading in some directions which in all probabilities are questionable whether they'll lead to ultimate goals or not but time dosen't permit to think,wait and analyse the proceedings it just orders to move on and as fast as possible. Goal's not the destiny journey is............

Mature:Am I ?

Apprehensive about being mature...sounds vague isn't it....everybody strives, wants and mostly becomes so-called mature. So how do we define it...How do we view ourselves...
Maturity probably means to understand the understood, feel the felt, decide the decided, know the known, behave as desired and required or in other words give away to the conventional world which has preconceived notions about life and how an individual has to deal with it.
Innovation, change, growth take a backseat. Call it laws of nature or call it human wisdom(or ignorance) that's the way it goes and probably will go.
Dictionary sees a mature person as 'fully grown' as if inviting quips on theory of dynamism of the worldly pursuits.
The process of growth is never ending so then when do we regard ourselves as matured people.
It behooves us to reflect on this matter to shed the feeling of arrogance and the air of superiority that often accompanies a sense of being matured...a sense of accomplishment that makes us feel that we have attained a stage to shoulder responsibilities of ourselves as well as our surroundings.

However far you think you may have reached
there's a level yet to be breached

There are things one has to understand
This is a notion human ego hates to withstand

You may be big you may be small
But one thing is for one and all

The truth is that and you have to endure
You may feel but you are never quite so mature!!!!!